Ugh! I don't know why I do half the s*** I do. I have an exam in sociology in 6 hours and I haven't been to class in weeks. In fact, I have only been to 5 classes so far this semester in soc. I can't stand myself. I am here, in college, which is something that a lot of people never get to do, and I am f***ing around and not doing any of my work or anything because I am too caught up in my own head. I am failing my anthropology class and I'm about to start failing my sociology class. On top of that, I skipped a three hour class today because I couldn't drag my sorry *** out of bed. I am behind in even the classes that I DO go to. I don't even know if catching up is an option... but if I don't, I'm going to need to take an entire extra YEAR of classes (because I am a social work major and senior year is all about field placement which you can't get halfway through the year.) And I can't even tell my mom about this because she will be so disappointed in me and I can't stand the idea of letting her down. I started smoking again this week even though I had quit for several months. I don't have a job. I can't drive even though I'm 21. I have blown off my counselor 3 times already since getting to school (haven't seen him all semester) and I'm supposed to go see him tomorrow and I'm wicked stressed about it cause I know that he is disappointed with me for not going to see him yet this semester. I hate it when I disappoint people. And I do it all the time. I don't even know why I'm here. I wasn't supposed to be. I'm the product of a one night stand between two people who met in AA. WTF? My parents weren't even that into each other when I was conceived. They just wanted a f*** buddy for the night. And BAM. then there's me. My father apparently tried to kill me a couple of times when I was a baby (in passive ways... like leaving sharp things or pieces of balloons in my crib so I would cut myself or choke) and my mom told me this while in our kitchen and relating the events to my foster sister. She turned to me as an afterthought and said "I hope that that didn't upset you." I mean... what the hell? Why would that upset me? My father who I did not know at all at this point... the guys that I DREAMED would come and tell me he loved me not only didn't love me, but he hated me enough to try to kill me?? And my mom didn't think that that would upset me? And then there's my stepfather who was an abuse prick and is now trying to be all paternal. I really have no idea where god has been in my life, but he is a sadistic bastard if he exists. I'm sorry for rambling. I have been holding in that thing about my dad forever. I know him now. I see him a couple of times a year. He is a recovering heroin addict who is also bipolar. Since he's been back in my life he has attempted suicide twice. He says he loves me and so does my mom and my step father for that matter... but how can they love me when they do things like this? And how am I supposed t love myself when my parents, the people who are supposed to love me most, don't give a f*** about me? My mom uses me for support. She cries to me when dates go badly and expects ME to watch out for my younger brothers during her divorces and such... because OF COURSE they don't affect me. I am so tired of being strong for everyone, but I don't know how to do anything else. And I can't even open up to my counselor about any of this deeper stuff because I feel like I NEED to be the strong one. The only time that I am honest is when I am drunk and with my friend. And then, this poor girl, has to deal with me cry and talking about how much I hate myself. I am so sick of it! I don't even know why I am writing this... I guess being over tired is about the same as being drunk sometimes and I felt the need to talk about it but the one friend that I trust enough to unload on is asleep. So I came here. I hate posting this because I feel like I am just calling out for pity and sympathy. I don't even know how to ACCEPT those things from other people. I am the one who is always GIVING them.





I just wish I wasn't so screwed up. I wish that I could stop the pain and the anger. I wish that I could connect with people and have real friendships and relationships. I wish I could be something closer to human.