I sent her an email last night after she emailed me and asked if I was avoiding her - I had ignored a few of her texts and there has been some strange tension between us lately. After reading what you all have said in response (thank you) I poured back over some of our old emails/texts. She told me that she always wanted a little sister and that she has given me some stern directives regarding what to do with the ex - when I did tell her once that we had had sex during our break up (it was a 4 year relationship) she said I was just being a "FU** Hole" and asked if that is what I wanted to be - just a hole? That was an email. It's pretty messed up. Anyway, I emailed her and the following is how it went - I really hope she doesn't email back.
R,
I'm not avoiding you. I had thought we were going to see each other Monday and then Thursday. I'm not going to be coming in any more. I believe that the cross into friendship has ruined our therapeutic relationship. The odd mix of therapist/friend combined with the strong opinions that you have about me and what I should do make it impossible for me to be honest with you. You've made it abundantly clear what I "should" do and my therapy shouldn't include a fear of disappointing you or what your judgments are. We could never really be friends while I'm your patient and I can't cleanly be your patient while we are behaving like friends. In essence, our therapeutic relationship didn't stand a chance once the line was dissolved -I can't even say crossed. In my desperation to be taken care of and have some loving family, I was more than happy to let you take care of me and be surrounded by the warmth of your family, as you said. I drank it up as you would imagine However, it was misguided and a mistake. Your family is kind and you are a very kind caring fun person but within the context we met none of that should have ever happened. - see, you can't be a true friend to me - if I do what you disapprove of are we going to hang out and lunch? I can't be my authentic self while worrying about your opinions and the inequity in our outside relationship creates a setting where I can never truly be comfortable. I don't have to explain any of this to you but I do want you to know that what happened has me suffering another loss - I have lost any chance of a beneficial therapy and I have lost the comfort of you as a friend and pseudo-caregiver. It was a bad set up that ends up hurting me in the end. You said it's time to live in reality and let go of fantasy and I think that applies here as well. You're smart enough to know exactly what happened here. The whole thing about lee estridge really was the end of this for me. You did betrayed her trust, you did step way outside of your professional role and you ultimately did me a disservice and I'm sad. All of the risk you took - it wasn't just altruism - Something about me, this, I don't know - is you serving some need of yours. I'm not sure what but what you did with what you may have thought were good intentions ends up creating yet another loss for me.

This isn't intended to create more back and forth. None of this is accusatory and you don't need to defend yourself -I am sincerely saddened and would prefer you not respond. This is really hard for me to do.