Ack

I really think I am manufacturing a rupture with T. T, on the other hand, who is so so so so willing to see "good" in all of my behaviors and motives, thinks I am trying to make sure I am really, truly safe and cared for since we are getting into such hard stuff.

We were talking about his injury today and the feelings and fears it brought up for me. It was really a fine session, I was able to be really honest and it felt connected and real. But, I don't know, something was pushing at me. We started talking about THE ATTACHMENT, and T pointed out that while we talk "in" the attachment (talk about the fact I love him, he cares about me, we're attached, etc) we don't talk ABOUT the attachment. I told him that I think about it a lot, I just don't talk about it in session.

THAT, of course, led to a big talk about the attachment, about the inherent imbalance in the relationship, etc. And that led to me feeling like I am just 1/28 of T's "work" and basically a big nobody who doesn't matter to anyone and who never has and who never will

Then it was like: "ok! Time's up!". Actually, we went over by 5 minutes and just had to stop. Blah.

I know that a lot of the problem is that growing up, people who said they loved me would hurt me, badly, and I am JUST understanding for the first time...they DID NOT LOVE ME. It wasn't that they loved me so much that they got carried away. It was that they never loved me in the first place. I was just a means to an end. I was just the easiest person around to fool. I was the stupidest person they could find.

SO, how can I believe T when he says he loves me? I don't.

I don't know if I am pulling back, manufacturing a rupture, or just confused.