((((((((Tree)))))))

I'm so sorry that you are feeling bad right now. I know that it is so hard to trust that they are there when we can't see them. We don't know how much they think about us out of session (Oh, what is Tree doing right now?), but we do know how much we think about them when we are outside of session. My guess (if you are like me at all) it is a lot. For me it is a lot even if it I'm not replaying parts of session and thinking about next session. I've had this discussion with my T before (and in clinical psychology classes). The relationship between each T and each client is different. Just as the relationship between each parent and each child is different. That does not mean that any client is less important than another. While Ts don't take us home at night, that doesn't mean that they don't care about us and how we are doing. They give us their full attention (or they should) during the time we are there. While it is only a small portion of the week, it does not make it less important than their other clients. And while it is their work, I do not think any good T could do the job they do without putting their whole heart into it. If they didn't they would burn out. They must care about their clients.

I'm not surprised that you are having to go back and work on trust. T being hurt this week can really shake you up. It can stir up questions about dependability, (can I trust T to be there when he says he will), his mortality (what would have happened if his accident had been worse), aloneness (what would I have done if I had really really needed T this week and he wasn't able to help because he had to take care of himself?) All these things are scary to think about.

There was all that on top of you two working on harder stuff. I would definitely want to know I was safe and working with someone who cared about me before getting into deeper stuff. (Which is part of my problem right now with T, I think.) Opening up new stuff is sooooooo hard. It makes us vulnerable again and brings up scary feelings and just seems overwhelming. With all this going on I don't think T is surprised that you return to talking about trust. I've seen two Ts for three years each and we never stopped talking about trust. When we needed to, we would come back to it. It was not a one time thing that was then finished forever.

We would all love this stuff to be lots of steps forward and no steps back, but we all know that is a dream. If it were true then T would go like a snap. Don't be hard on yourself that it seems like you are going one step (or many steps) back. T will go where you need to go to feel safe.

Please take care of yourself. Call T and ask him to leave you a message if you need to.