We love you too Anderson. We've been thinking about you and wanting to send lots of love, love, love. You are so kind and so loved by so many. Your words are inspiration and your heart is so kind. I haven't known exactly what to say, or been able to stay together long enough to respond in a way that makes sense every time I try the last few days. But you've been in our hearts and we are with you in spirit, too.

Thank you WePow, for taking the time to read and share your thoughts. Right now my go-to reaction is avoidance and hiding. Withdrawal. I don't do well with confrontation. One of us is really angry and can be really mean and I don't like to enter into situations where I know that my saying something I don't want to say is a possibility. Likewise, I just wouldn't feel comfortable even seeing her again. And the chance of my reaching out to another T anytime soon may well be pretty slim. This was the first time in 4 years.

I just feel so confused and spinny. It sucks. The littles are sad. The mean one is mad. The mommy's are trying to make it all ok. Some don't care at all. And me, I haven't a ****ing clue.

My old self-medicating route isn't even an option I want to consider either. I have smoked mj on and off for almost a decade. And it worked for the time, doing what I needed it to do (with no chance of making me psychotic). And I didn't realize until I started opening up to myself that what it did was separate me from THEM (inside). And now that I'm in this new place with everything, I don't WANT to feel separated from them anymore. I needed it at the time, I wasn't ready for what I am now ready for. And now that I am, I don't want to make them go away, sending them away like they are bad little children isn't ok anymore. I'm not afraid of them (not like before), I'm not ashamed of them (again, comparatively speaking)... I want to nurture and accept them. And make it ok for everybody, not just for me.

I think I'm going to throw us a pity party.