(Tree)

I think the issue of safety is one that continually gets shoved to the forefront of all of our relationships. The idea of complex ptsd is so convoluted because of the tangled nature of our traumatic experience and how we had to continually change ourselves in order to cope. Remember how long it took to feel safe at all in T? I know for me it literally took years. And when you finally decided it was safe, there would be a session when you realized that the safety concept was like jello and subject to dissolution. So, I think everything else in T (and all other relationships) is the same. We feel safe, held, loved, cared for until something --often something so tiny we don't even notice it happening -- triggers us and we don't feel the same wholeness we felt a moment ago. But that doesn't mean it's not there or that you are manufacturing something. It just means that a part of you hurts and needs some nurturing. It's so confusing when children have to grapple with adult concepts; that is why the idea of love is so confusing for you. But like everything else, it's not black and white. No one is everything to anyone; and the T relationship is SO imbalanced that we rebel against it at every opportunity to protect ourselves from being hurt. But I bet you are important to T. Think of it this way. Of your three kids, which one do you love the most? Horrible question, right? Of course you don't love any one of them more than the other; but at the same time you love them each in different ways because they are all unique in their own right. Nevertheless each of them loves you in a different way altogether. Ach, it's so hard.

Take care of you Tree.