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tlswv · Feb 26, 2010, 08:00 AM

Hi there. You have to be having a hard time after 13 years with someone.

I think what you told her about taking some time and if she is in contact with him not to contact you, is coming from a healthy side of you that is your survival instinct. You are protecting yourself from more hurt. I also think this sets up a healthy boundary for her, so she can know that you respect yourself, but you also respect her by giving her time to think it through. At this point, it sounds as if you would like to have her back if that were possible. As far as what she is thinking? It is hard to tell because there is someone else in the picture that is clouding the issue. Clearly you are very important to her still because she keeps coming back to you. You are her 'safe spot'. She knows you care. The other man is married and that must be scary, as he also has someone else in the picture. She sounds as if she is feeling very vulnerable right now with whatever is going on with the other guy. You made the right decision by trying to set up a boundary. No one can think clearly like that.

There is something called "wise mind, emotional mind, and rational mind". It means depending on what we are going through, we will think differently. They are like three circles intertwined, because they all belong to you. When you go to work, you are in your "rational mind". When you are with a mate, or with family, you are in your "emotional mind". Your "wise mind" is in the middle, which is a combination of the two. It means to stop and think, "is this healthy for me? am I angry right now? am I too emotional?, etc."

For example, your rational mind about this situation might say, "she left. She is not into me anymore. I'm staying away from her." This is your thoughts without too much emotion. Your emotional mind might be saying "I'm losing her. I want to fix things and get us back to normal. I can't let her go. I love her. She loves me. I need her and she needs me, etc." Your wise mind might be saying, "I love her even though she left. We have 13 years together. I can't let her keep hurting me, though. This is too much. I need to protect myself somehow. I can't just keep seeing her while she sees this other guy. This is not good for either of us like this."

Sorry to go on and on. I wanted to help you see how you seem right now to be working towards "wise mind", which is the healthiest place for you right now. You don't want to stop your emotions, but you don't want to continue to be hurt, so you have to set boundaries with others, and only time heals these types of wounds. It's hard to get through this, especially when someone else is involved.

P.S. Obviously, I'm in the field. I have my master's degree in psychology and almost have my doctorate. Take care of yourself, and from a professional standpoint, you sound like you're on the right track.

Quote:

Originally Posted by millhouse

hi all.

my girl and lived togeter for thirteen yrs until 5 months ago,when we split but spoke daily on the phone,1 month later she is dating a guy i know very well-(i must say that this guy was married and is seperated for 2 years.and his wife is on the sene aswell small town the 4 of us live within 3 mile)yeah sure i done all the mad things but have now come to terms with it.she called me uo 5 days ago and we meet at my house,we talked all night for 9hrs she asked me for hugs which i gave but was unsure she cryed it was wery emotional for us both,she said she was going to tell yhe new guy she wanted a break and she did but the next day she told him she made a mistake but he just said we will leave it at a break,so 3 days ago she calls me up we get on really well and she tells me maybe to much bout new guy.i gave her my opinion and told her be on her own for a month or 2,her reply is i just want to go with flow for a while.i said to her that if her and new man are togeter (which i knew they would be)not to contact me.it has been hell the last few months but im on the up.any advise what my role is here in this 3 person relationship?is she rebounding or have i got a chance of getting her back.we both have a strong bond and love for eachother,she also told me that with new guy somthings not right or somthings missing.what do i do help??????