Thank you all.....it is so wonderful to have your support....you don't know how much it means to me to know that others understand.

I was in the ER all last night trying to get rehydrated....my sugar level was way low & my potassium was too low too. Guess that was why I keep passing out. It took several tries to get the IV in....ouch....blew out one vein & missed the other until they finally settled on the normal place that works....at least this time it dripped on it's own instead of me having to hold the IV & wiggle it constantly. Gave me a chance to sleep about an hour...the ER is rediculous....I arrived at 1am & didn't get in until 6am...then I had to be at the ranch at 10am for a lesson.

While at the ranch, the lesson ended up getting rescheduled but took care of some other things. One of my friends was having a lesson & we were talking about going to the cemetary too. She encouraged me along with my trainer & I had talked to my psychologist about it too.....she was also thinking it might be a good idea. Keeping an open mind.....I decided to drive down to her home & see if there were any roses in the rose garden to cut. The house is about 1/2 hr farther than the cemetary. When I got there, there were no roses nor any other flowers that could be cut. I stopped by a little florist on the way back to the cemetary & got some carnations there.....they weren't her roses, but had to do.

I had forgotten that this was the labor day weekend with all the going out of town traffic....took me forever to get back to the cemetary. I had brought 3 of my dogs with me...knowing how much I need them. When I finally got to the cemetary, I drove to the area where I remembered the grave should have been. I got out of the car & took the flowers & the little dog (Celia) that my Mother loved & left the others (Leo & Tawny) in the car with one of the windows cracked open about 2 1/2 inches. I searched & searched & couldn't find the headstone...I can't believe that I didn't have any relational sense from the funeral.....I didn't even remember the funeral.....I was wandering all over getting more frustrated & wondering how stupid I could be. It was getting later & I had the horses to feed at the ranch too. I decided to go back to the car & see if I couldn't find someone around to give me some direction. I got back to the car & dang, Leo had been bouncing around wanting to get to me & locked the door with my keys inside. I tried to get my arm through the crack in the window & it was kinda tight....I finally forced my arm through & got the lock pulled up....then my arm was stuck in the door & of course it was the arm that had been tortured by the ER nurse & IV. I stood there in pain, swearing at Leo & myself for being so stupid.

For some reason it seems like when I am in a very emotional state, something always happens to put my mind into another place. I finally manuvered around & got the window wound down a little more & was able to pull my arm out...

It ended up that I couldn't find any help so I went back to where I was & continued my search....I finally stumbled across it.....got the flowers into the vase & sat down on the grass with Celia. I must be a horrible daughter because all I could do was ask her why she did it to herself. She had always told me that dying of cancer would be the worst way to die....she always said how important it was to catch it early & take care if it.....but what did she do.....how could she be so stupid....or was it nieve.....or was it careless.....or was it????? But it was her choice to live her life & make the decisions that she make. She always told me how hard it was on my Father to have to care for his Mother who died of cancer when he was in high school & how she wouldn't want to do that to anyone let alone die with having to experience such pain...& yet that was exactly what she did....making all the wrong choices that determined the end of her life....I just can't believe that she didn't know about what was going on with her before she finally did something about it.....her surgeon couldn't believe it either. All I could do was to tell her that her prayers hadn't been answered the way she wanted them to be.....but that wasn't what prayer was all about anyway. For some reason, I am having a hard time getting over my anger with her for not letting me be a part of her life at the end so we wouldn't have had to go through the trauma.....& I would have been able to let her have a more peaceful life at the end rather than having to protect her by keeping her friends away from her & make it all so confusing. I know there is a lot of anger because I shouldn't have had to go through anything more than dealing with her health & her death....yes, I probably allowed myself to experience the situation the way I have, but found it rather impossible to control sensations that I never realized I could have. I am sure there is a reason why it happened the way it did....& maybe someday, I will be able to be relieved by that realization......I cried but it was because she had to go through what she did & I ended up with the mess that was caused by her choices....all of them seemed to be wrong. Then I sat there feeling guilty because I just can't seem to have the feelings that were expressed by those I listened to in the grief group that the hospice care provided.......I don't know if that day will ever come was all I could think of for the hour drive home.

It all seems so complicated & I continually wonder why I am so critical of my Mother & the situation that defined the end of her life & how it has effected me. Maybe someday, I will see it in a different light....but for now?????

I guess I am not dealing very well with her death yet,
Debbie