I've finally done it, here it goes, I'm going to loose everything because I have to hide things...

All my life has been a game of playing "secret keeper", every since I was a child, "shh don't tell, nobody will love you, nobody will believe you, your a liar" from abuser during the sexual abuse

"hey hide the mail for me, I don't want your mom getting upset and having a fit" from my dad, during our family financial crisis

"shh don't tell anyone about our problems Typo, it's nobody's business" from my mom about everything.

all my life, keep a secret, keep a secret, soo many secrets from everyone, so many lies, so many untold stories, I can't even share the happy good things in my life because I'm under the belief everything has to be a secret, wither good or bad.

All my life everything in it's neat little compartmatized boxes, this goes here, but not there, can't put that there people will hate me, abandon me, yell at me, etc etc...

And now I"ve gone and done it, I've let the fear take control of me, manipulate me, I've let it make me a coward, and now because of all this, I may just loose everything

A year, a whole ****ing year, that's how long I've kept the man I love a secret, from EVERYONE irl, except T, and even then she only gets spratic details, why am I so afraid? Judgement, abandonment? I am doing nothing wrong, there is nothing wrong about our relationship, I fear the judgement, the accusations, I fear people are going to hate me, fear they aren't goign to understand...

And now I may just have decided to break my coward stance too late in the game, it may be too late.....

My best friend is going to hate me, we have been friends for over 15 years, she is my support, she is my sister, we have been through so much together, she knows everything, everything about my life almost, except this, and I've kept it from her for a year, she is going to hate me, I've started half attempts, but words get caught in my throat, it took me three years just to get the nerve to tell her about the abuse in my childhood, When I was in the car accident at 15 I didn't watn to tell her, my mom made me call her, and even then I turned down her offer to stand by me at my grandmother's funeral, what a ****** person I am....

She is going to hate me, I may loose the person I love, hell my best friend is going to hate me, but those are the consquences of my actions....

I hate it, I hate believeing I have to be a secret keepper............I hate it, i really do...and look what I've done.... What a horrible person I am...

I don't want to go to work, I don't want to do anything, look what I've done, I've gone and screwed up everything again, applause for me, I deserve an award......