Well, for two solid weeks now I have been working very hard on blending memories and having all the alters in the house stay together and present with me as much as we can while we are doing daily activities. It has been intense (to say the least) and challenging. But we know we are making big progress because we have almost completely blended the good and bad for ages 0-10yrs. Something we never thought we could ever be strong enough to do - or have the support we would need to do it.

Today I wanted to post here because I woke up crying again and it feels deep but I don't know why? I can not see my alter Mick at all - it feels like she is off hiding from me. And the Little One is clueless about what is wrong. Elaine is just telling me "You will figure it out. Just give it a little time." And I am feeling mad and hurt but no sure why! I want to understand WHY I am feeling things when I feel them. Not just feel stuff and have no clue as to what is going on.

I kinda feel bad still because I am on short term disability from work. I hate to leave "my" team like this. But I know that I have to do this because I was about to get fired and will be if I have another outburst thanks to Mick. Mick just wants to protect me. So I have to take the time off to heal up. Yesterday as I was doing my blending and eye movement work, I felt so good and strong! I thought "Oh maybe I will be ok in one more week!" Then this AM I woke up and felt inside like my entire world was once again in shards around my feet.

I know this must be a part of the healing. It happens in cycles for me anyway the up and down emotions. They are no longer as intense as they were years ago when I was in counseling. My prior T taught me how to "catch" my mood swings and "realize" the reality of them. He did not think I was bi-polar but did say he could see cycles in my emotions.

I wonder if those are from the CSA or PTSD? Not sure why I cycle this way emotionally.. .. I know I will come out of it. It is just that with the way I am feeling today, I was brought back to reality and realized just how sick inside I still am and how I still have a little ways to go for recovery. I wish all days were like yesterday when things make sense and I am happy on the inside and all the alters are enjoying who we are!

Maybe it was the dream we had. HUM..... We did dream we were back at work and everyone left us to do all the work by ourselves. That was a nightmare for sure. It did make me very angry in the dream and I wanted to scream!

I suppose the good thing I need to remember is that the truth is we are blessed to be allowed this time to heal up. So I will accept the truth that today I am still feeling the pain of years of agony. And today I will cry a bit for the little girl who spent most nights hiding under the covers.
But I will keep in our heart the truth that we are in truth healing.