Hi Typo,

I'm sorry you're being so hard on yourself. You've grown up in a household that made you keep secrets, & you're just trying to do what you've been taught is the right thing. You realize it isn't, but you are only doing what you were taught & know of no other way. It's a shame that you are trying to please everyone else when you know that it's going to be at your own expense.

You value your best friend & are afraid of losing her. I suggest that you print out what you posted & let her read it. That way, she will learn about your boyfriend & why it was so hard for you to tell her about it, & all of your fears. I'm sure she will understand. You know her, so you know how she will react if she finds out about it without your having told her, & since it's causing you fear, you know you could be putting your friendship in jeapordy if you don't.

You are not a bad person, so please stop thinking that way about yourself. It's a good sign that you are aware of what's happening, & that it's making you unhappy, b/c we can only change our maladaptive behaviors or face our fears when we know what they are. Doing things differently than what we are familiar with is scary, but I know you'll feel so much better when you confront the issue in a way that is right for both you & the people concerned.

Have a cup of tea & try to do something to help you relax. Sending hugs.