I'm hating myself
really don't feel i am coping well
sure i keep up appearances at home and my family have no idea how bad i feel
they have no idea that every night i am scratching myself with a pin, or that increasingly i am wanting to do myself more serious damage. i need to hurt physically in order to distract myself from my mental pain.
i don't know who i am any more
i am scared because my t is away and because this absence feels like a preparation for stopping sessions with her
i hate not being able to see the next step, and at the moment it is out ofmy hands and i ahve to wait to see if i get an appointment for an assessment. then i have to wait to see if i get offered any kind of therapy.
i am struggling with the fact that i have been used by someone else. i am also struggling with the fact that someone i care deeply about hates me because i was used to hurt her. i am finding it really difficult knowing that there are people out there who hate me and i wonder if they are right to see me as an evil unkind person.
i am dreading going back to work on monday
and i hate myself for being so feeble right now.
c