I agree that working through all this with a therapist would be extremely beneficial. When I left my abusive home, I avoided getting help in college and for years afterward, even though I always knew I needed it. Ten years after leaving home, I finally was doing so badly that I had to get help to stay alive. It was the best thing I ever did and has radically changed the way I view myself, my past, and my family.

I do not hate my family. I am at peace with what happened because I have to be in order to move on. Having a compassionate therapist who would work through all this with me was the best thing that ever happened to me.

You are not alone in struggling to figure out your past and also your present and future. So much strongarming, deceit, and trickery goes into abuse at home. You did not cause any of this.