The biggest problem I and many persons with Bipolar Disorder have is we are emotional addicts. As much as they hurt or scare or empower us we get accustomed to the degree of emotional intensity that we experience being Bipolar. The meds numb the emotions enough so we can have more control over them, but that means the emotions we are so used to feeling are minimized and that feels like numbness. We have to learn to live in an "alien" world of muted and washed out emotions. I have come off of my meds numerous times over the last 8 years or so and have learned that I am better off on them then not. Living like Howard Hughes in a room all by myself storing old bottles with urine and feces so I don't have to leave my room and losing 20-30 pounds in a month is not nearly as pleasant a way to live as feeling muted. I wish there were a grey area but if there is one I don't know where it is. I am far from perfect on medicine but I'm better. It's a choice we all have to come to. Ultimately I just hope you are safe.