I'm supposed to see T on Monday. I'm not really interested in ever talking to her again after the conversation we just had. I feel like if I'm there for my appt on Monday she's just going to talk about therapy interfering behavior, and that this will have been the last straw, and I'll be fired by T.

I have been living for my kids for so, so, so long. I thought I was starting to live for me. I thought I was past this kind of $hit.

I guess part of me is trying to find something to hold on to, the thinnest sliver of now as you say, tree. I thank you for trying to help me.

I actually just called my local crisis line because I'm THAT freaked out, and kept getting a message saying "unable to complete this call". I'd like to think one day I will be looking back and laughing at the irony. Of all the times for their phones to be down....

Calling my T is pretty much at the bottom of my list of "Ways To Survive". Once I've done that and been given the brush off, I'm not feeling like there's much left. Tried to call a couple of friends, I AM trying. Drank some more tea, staying out of the bathroom where the pills are. Considering SI because it might be the lesser of two evils. Pretty much I just want to say fuk it.

I don't even know if posting this is against some PC rule, I should just delete the posts probably. Pretty mixed up in my head and heart right now.