After I read the article Echoes posted in her thread i found myself thinking about T and how annoyed at him I am. I feel as though he thinks I've had enough coddling; enough moaning about my childhood; enough acting like a baby and it's time to get on with it. But then I wondered whose voice I really hear. Is it T or is it me? T would never say something like that but I would; it's negative self talk that I internalized from my parents. But then again, I do know that he wants things for me; adult things, fulfillment, happiness, satisfaction, a sense of agency; and I feel quite unable to reach those charms for myself. So maybe I take his wishes and hopes and turn them into demands and ultimatums. Hmmmm. Why do I do that (aside from habit)? Maybe it's like Tree said, creating conflict, or protecting myself from the responsibility of growing up. But even that sounds harsh right now.

It's like the sharing of dreams (also in Echoes' thread). Early on in therapy I would tell T a dream and he would interpret for me. Now I tell him a dream and he asks me what I think. Then he tells me what he thinks and I let him know if he's on target or not. Sometimes I find myself so annoyed that he doesn't just TELL ME FIRST WHAT HE THINKS.

I feel twisted and struggling and full of shoulds. WHY CAN'T HE JUST FIX EVERYTHING? PUT A DAMNED BANDAID ON ME ALREADY.