_zh,

Thank you for your kind words....this is the first time I have ever gone to any grave......just never feel it is appropriate. I remember going with my Mother to my Fathers grave just after to check that the grave stone had the correct information on it....but to visit.....just have never been able to do it....until yesterday. I guess I feel that I may not be around here in the future & wanted to make sure it was updated with both their information...but mostly, I wanted to know what feelings were going to come out inside of me...since the sturgle seems to be rather difficult. I feel kinda bad because people usually think about all they learned from their parents & all I can manage to come up with it the fact that I have learned "what NOT to do" & "how NOT to act". I am feeling so negative towards the relationship......it seems so strange when I listen to others speaking about their parents & I realize that I don't feel similar in any way. In many ways I resent having feelings like that.....wanting so bad to have the peaceful memories that come from a normal family.....it does seem strange because I can't really define anything disfunctional.....or anything that was horrible......it just didn't seem quite right.....or the way I would have liked a family to be. I am sure my daughter has the same feelings about us.....so maybe it runs in the family. We seem to be just kinda messed up.

I hate the memories I have & fill my mind with all the good thoughts I have with my horses & dogs.....to keep anything else away. I just want to feel good after everything that has happened over the last few years.....even dealing with filing for my divorce is stressful trying to get together all the information even though I know I will feel really great after it is all over.

It make me feel ok that I am dealing fairly well with it.....can't really look at myself & see what is really happening with all that is in my mind.

Thank you,
Debbie