i don't know if this belongs in here or general, but it seemed more like a mental health question so i am posting it here. i suppose the basic question can apply to many things though...

i've had this discussion with a number of people on PC lately and i think it is an important question..

Do you want to get better?

Silly, right? Of course you do, right? Maybe not. Maybe there are deeper questions you might want to ask yourself about what your real goals and motivations are... you might be surprised.

Like with many things, many of us want the world to shift to fix our problem and not shift ourselves instead. All the various diets and get rich quick schemes are testiment to this idea... we want to keep doing everything exactly the same way but get a different result. A friend of mine works for a weight loss company and she says that most of the clients really want to keep eating fries, pop, chocolate, etc., but have the pounds melt away. We want life to conform... and life refuses.. oddly.

In watching people everyday, and in listening/reading online, here's my own little pet theory statement:

"Make my past into something different than it was. Make my present different than it is. Take control and responsibility for my future because I can't."

It sounds ridiculous... but ask yourself if that is anywhere near what you really are saying. Especially telling is those last two words - I can't. If you hear them in there anywhere my guess is you are living at least part of that statement.

It took me a long time to realize that no one could make my past be different than it was. It wasn't something i was consciously thinking but in the end, it's what i wanted. i wanted someone to step into my past and stop the things that happened, fix the things that weren't ok, give me things i didn't get... and so on. It was like cold water in my veins to suddenly grasp that this, of course, could never happen. It was what it was and cannot be changed. No matter how much that little girl cries for someone, no one is coming... that time doesn't exist anymore. The only thing i can do is learn how to comfort her myself... and look forward, not backward.

It's a tough thing to do if you have pain in your history, which we ALL do regardless of how great a childhood you may have had. Remember, these notions of someone fixing things are notions formed in the mind of a child, right? We've just kept the fairytale alive... sort of like believing in the toothfairy @ 40.

i've discovered an interesting temptation and paradox in both therapy and online, the only difference is that in therapy at least you have someone with an unbiased devotion to your best interests who *should* step in and help you out of this problem. When we begin to open up and try to share our issues we find recognition and validation... with a T and/or online. We find common ground, we find we are not alone in whatever flavour of pain we are in. Sounds great. We find a small stream of nurturing that feels a lot like discovering water in the desert... but this is probably a greater challenge to your well-being than the decision to seek help at all.

The biggest hurdle i see to people getting better is attention. i don't mean this in a bad way... i am deliberately omitting the drama-queens/kings. Forget them for a minute because they are not the majority. i'm talking about that sweet feeling that comes from someone really getting where you are coming from and how you feel. i'm talking about the attention of being heard. Make more sense?

Most people, or so i believe, spend a certain amount of time seeking this validation... to whatever extent. The trouble is that there is an unlimited supply online... and if one has a not-so-sharp therapist, one can go around the merry-go-round of therapy for eons without improvement. This isn't to say that long term therapy is somehow unrpoductive, far from it. i'm referring to the constant ebb and flow of the "poor me-poor you" scenario.

Bless us, we want to help others... we want to support them and let them feel less alone. It's admirable that we do... it shows there is a goodness in most hearts. We shouldn't do otherwise really. It becomes the responsibility of the seeker to actually seek wellness... to take some control of their own destiny and not just try to survive on that small stream of nurturing from online or a therapist. Otherwise we become emotionally crippled and stunted... preferring to barely survive than to thrive.

It's harder than it sounds. My T is a fabulous human being who cares deeply about the people he helps. The caring he has shown me has been healing, very much so, but i see the lure of it as well. i so badly want him to care enough to make up for all those who did not. i want him to step in everytime and give me what i need, just like he has done in the worst times... i want that, but i had to decide that being rescued isn't the same as getting better. i have needed rescue because i didn't have the skills to help msyelf... and i am sure that in this journey there will be other rivers that are too swift for me and i will need him in that way, but... and this is important... i simply have to choose to try to gather those skills so that i don't fall in as often or can swim to shore when i do.

i see it most online, because i don't have the opportunity to know many therapy clients and their stories IRL. i see people actively keeping themselves sick... i had trouble grasping it, but i'm sure we've all seen it and most of us have done it even in some small way. Think hard about it... ever said you felt terrible when asked, even if things weren't as bad as they have been? i've seen people openly talking about how they won't talk to their therapist or are doing X,Y or Z in the hospital to circumvent what they are being told to do. i'm not referring to trust issues with a therapist, it takes time to be able to be open and share... i am referring to people who are perfectly able to say what they need to but are choosing not to because they are deliberately opposing the therapist. That one hit me like a 2x4 in the face... i didn't get it at first. What could possibly justify that? Attention. If someone opens up, moves forward and gets better... maybe the T won't care, maybe no one will listen, maybe no one will care again.

see the point?

We, and i mean everyone, worries about being cared about. It's a basic need. We all want/need to be heard at least some of the time as well. That small stream seems more certain and alluring than the risk of going hungry and never knowing when you'll find emotional food again. The solution? Stay sick. Stay stuck and miserable and there will be a limitless supply of poor-you, poor-me. Sounds bizarre, but it's not hard to find it.

i need to get better and to do that i have to decide that my wellbeing is my job and no one else's. He is there to guide me, just like people are online with whom to share and support, but i need to learn to give myself what i need in as many scenarios as possible. It doesn't mean i don't or won't need people, it just means i can stand on my own more.

So.. ask yourself: do i want to get better? Do i have some big idea as to why i simply cannot possibly make it? i'd sincerely recommend that you question the latter if you find you do indeed have some sort of reason why you cannot ever be ok.

And... just to ease minds, NO - i am not thinking of any specific person. NO i am not being critical or judgemental. i can name dozens of people and i'd have to list my own self among them at least on occasion. After all, we ALL wallow from time to time. We all sit down in the dirt and feel like we can't move and want someone to move for us. We all do... but, what are you going to do about it?

That's the $64, 000 question - right?

peace