thank you. It is so good to hear that it won't feel like this forever, I know that in my head sometimes but when I'm in that dark place it always helps to hear that.

My T has also experienced a sui in her family, and she shared with me once that that person's adult child later also completed sui. She has told me how common that is. I try to think about that and sometimes force myself to imagine my kids attending my funeral & how sad they would be, as a way to snap myself out of that moment of not caring about the consequences.

But other times I need to know that I can have a purpose for being on this earth besides being my kids' mom, as important as that is. Sometimes I need to know that I am a person outside of being a mom and that my life is worth something on it's own.

I can see that, by reading this thread, and while I don't feel like I deserve the love and support I get here, I will take it.

I did get some sleep, in fact, and do feel a little better this morning. Hoping I will be brave enough in my session tomorrow to talk to T about how I felt dismissed and invalidated when we talked last night. But the point is, I made it through the night and I used my skills and resources to do it without self-harming in any way.