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Old Feb 28, 2010, 04:43 PM
sanityseeker sanityseeker is offline
walker
 
Member Since: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,363
I understand the attention pay back factor. There is some comfort in getting support that I might otherwise not get if I were well. I know I have worn out its attention grabbing effect in real life however. No one in my family or of those who might be called a friend wants to hear or know about the state my 'mental or emotional problems'. To say recovery would suggest there was a real problem and no one in my world wants to acknowledge that. Its all in my head don't you know. If I wanted to be well I would be well. Black and white to them. They want and expect the 'fake me' to be present in their midst but don't allude to the fact that I am faking it. It is what it is and when I am not in avoidance mode I accommodate them. I sometimes think that they might be right and I am just making all of this up to accommodate some sick excuse for not measuring up. Now that is sick. Hey... either way I am sick. lol

I failed to get attention in the right ways. I was "less than" athletically, professionally, personally and in any other measurable way that matters in my world so maybe if I make myself sick they will feel sorry for me and love me anyways. Maybe this is all just a sick game I am playing on myself to punish myself for being a failure. After all anything wrong with me has to be my fault, my choice.

So I come to PC and get some validation for being 'sick'. It that why I am here? Does that mean I allow myself to adopt a sickness as a way to find people to fill the void real people don't or won't fill?

I am confused as always. Opps sounds like a pity party in the making here. Around and round we go and where we stops only I know. I choose the behaviour I choose the consequences. Its all in my hands. Back to square one again. I am not sick I am just sick of this or that or the other thing and its easier to blame something besides me. If I just did this that or the other thing to improve my situation things would get better. And yes that works to some extent and yes it makes the days go by with less pain and suffering. And yes sometimes there are enough successes born from the effort of 'doing the work' that I even think I could find my way off this merry-go-round. Then I wake up and all he11 has broken loose and I can't think straight for the life of me. So kick in the self care into over drive. Do the work. Do the work. Do the work. Make the right choices.

Sorry for the rant..... well sort of.... NOT! I think I get the intention of the OP with this question and I don't disagree with the premise because yes, it can sometimes feel better to just give up the fight and decide I am too sick to get better so I don't even care. In fact, let me be sick and let me die so I don't have to do the damb work all the time. I am tired of it after a lifetime of ups and downs and all arounds. Some days I cope, somedays I have hope and some days I don't even remember breathing. Do I want to get better? Sure but do I have the will to work it to death ever minute of every hour to feel better for a mystery amount of time? Not so sure.

Today is one of those bad days that came from no where and has paralyzed me from doing the work. I will make my way through the day and hope for a better tomorrow.

Sometimes recovery is about making the right choices and sometimes it is about surviving long enough to recover at all. On a good day I would embrace the question and feel empowered by the concept that I have control. A day like today.... not so sure. The only power I have today is to not give up completely.
Thanks for this!
lynn P., perpetuallysad, TheByzantine