I don't really know how to start this thread, so here it goes. I had been seeing my doctor for a while and every time I went in she would suggest that I get a pap smear done. And every time I would defer by saying I didn't want to and would not schedule the appointment. Being that I was not a regular to the doctor this happened over a couple years. Each time me declining, but her asking. My doctor was a resident, but at a women's clinic. One time I went in and again told her that I didn't want to. She went out to confer with her adviser (as she always had to), and came back in and asked me (I'm sure prompted by her adviser) why didn't I want to. I told that I had been sexually assaulted and so didn't want to. As I had had one in college and was still a virgin I didn't see the necessity. My doctor collected her things and bolted out the door as quickly as possible.

I know her reaction doesn't really reflect on what happened to me. But it still hurts. It makes me feel dirty and ashamed. If my own doctor can't deal with the fact that I was attacked, how is anyone else going to? And it makes me angry that she couldn't think that this might be a possible reason for me to be refusing and better prepared herself (or her adviser better prepared her) for the possibility. Luckily I only had to see her one or two more times before she was done with her residency. The doctor after her was nicer. Though it was a little awkward the first visit because she just assumed that I had a good relationship with the previous doctor. If she hadn't been almost done I definitely would have changed doctors.

I don't know what is bringing this back up again as it happened a couple of years ago now. But it left me feeling very alone. And I guess I'm having that alone feeling again. The feeling that no one will understand.

I still want my doctor from when I grew up back again. Why can't doctors and Ts and pdocs follow us around when we move? Then we wouldn't have to go over all this stuff again each time.