Lovely, it seems to me that between here...
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Originally Posted by lovelylovely
...people know what to expect from you - awkwardness or you push them away sometimes even though you don't want to, then you beat yourself up for pushing them away. The horrible, chronic lonliness pangs just bite you out of nowhere which gives you that horrible gut renching feeling in the pit of your stomach, you don't know whether its life or death...
... nothing feels real, I don't feel real, everyone has their own lives and I am unable to cry, I have cried so much, there are no more tears left inside me
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...and here...
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Originally Posted by lovelylovely
... when I make eye contact, I get intrusive thoughts or I go blank...
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...you managed to make some movement in the right direction. By that I mean, you're starting to look at exactly what's going on for you. "The only way out is through," someone said (and I happen to agree). The way
through always seems to be to attend as closely as you can to exactly what you're experiencing. If you notice you've been telling yourself a story about what must "really" be going on (a mental illness, a curse, a plot...) or what other people must be thinking, be prepared to let go of the story and attend to whatever you experience yourself.
I mention this because you already demonstrated doing it and I wanted to encourage you to continue.
Here's what "story" sounds like. It's not bad or wrong, it just can't get you where you want to go. You're better off letting go of it so you can move on:
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...or they are not interested in anything I have to say, therefore when I see them again, they avoid me because they know whenever they see me, there will be an uncomfortable, tense atmosphere, which I can feel too, its almost painfully atmospheric. My social anxiety comes on incredibly strong, I dare not open my mouth for saying something wrong...
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You may not be ready to get the distinction right away but once you do, you'll be a giant step ahead.
Good luck, and thanks for the demo!
By the way, it's entirely possible that the IRL people you've been talking to (or not) are feeling no more secure than you are, so they start acting a little weird themselves the moment you remind them of it. I'm guessing that the people you're meeting here are for the most part more comfortable with themselves and more willing to let you be yourself -- and you're already responding accordingly.
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Ding! Please deposit another 2 cents. 