Sheepdog,
Thank you for your service...

Jme, but what you are describing is combat PTSD. There are several Vets here who post in that forum...we give and get support for the issues we face that are specific to military service.

I'm sorry you are not getting help from your military, it sounds just like our VA. Sucks big time...

Counseling can be of tremendous help to you as an individual and for couples counseling. Are there therapists where you are that specialize in PTSD?

At the least, read over the posts here and in the combat PTSD forums...I believe you will see that your actions and feelings are part of the package whenever we have, or are still going through, severe trauma.
There are still times when I have episodes...they are fewer and far between but it was an itch with a capital B when they were daily occurrences.With the help of fellow Vets and good therapy, it's been easier to handle things...

Living near a military installation, I'll hear the training exercises and have to ground myself that I am not back in Nam.
The sound of choppers can send me into op mode...hoping we have enough blood, praying for casualties to be light,
the smell from BBQ smoke reminds me of the burns ward, certain phrases or even music can bring back those memories, ...
Most times I still sit with my back to the door of a public place.
Anger issues can still be problematic for me.
...most people in my life know not to come up to my back without making some kind of noise...or they risk a defensive reaction from me...aka getting coldcocked.

Please do what you can to get counseling.
PTSD is the number one reason for my failed marriage...both of us are Vets with PTSD so I can only imagine the difficulties you and your wife are going through...

Do keep posting, it helps to get things out in the open instead of it festering inside our spirits.

You do not have to go it alone.
We Care
I Care

In Peace