You are not selfish. She is a grown woman and she is manipulating you and your partner. While you cannot control what your partner does, you can stop from giving her your money. You are not being mean. Truthfully, even if she were starving, its still not your responsibility to take care of her. You may chose to help her, but its not your responsibility. One other thing, if you and your partner share a banking account then, imo, you do have the right to say "no more". She's never going to stop using if you don't stop giving her the money.

I think its ok to be a softy. Its sweet and I think you are probably very loving, but putting your foot down about being used doesn't change that you are a loving and generous person. She is taking advantage and also being rude (with the negative comments about you and your stuff). Let her take care of herself.

(((paddy)))