We have had that discussion about what is too sick to go to school and I reminded him that while I was sorry he had a belly ache we agreed that unless he had a fever or was throwing up he needed to buck up and get to school. He couldn't afford to miss another day. blah blah blah. He didn't budge.

I guess byz its just easier to beat myself up because I just don't know what else to do. I feel so powerless and like I am just spinning in circles. I get up for another round, hoping for the best only to be knocked down again. It feels like its all my fault and if I own it then somehow I can change it. Whatever it is. But still I can't. I just hate feeling so powerless.

I guess I need to let this be about him making his choices and the consequences being his to deal with instead of me getting caught up obsessing about how it reflects on me. I just worry about the consequences of his choices and feel responsible for him being so irresponsible. Geesh... I always come back to me.

His dad says he has been coddled and never held to account and needs a firm hand. Now that he is older he reminds me everytime I report this kind of thing to him how a firm hand earlier would have prevented any of these kinds of issues from being an issue today. So again, my fault even though I begged for help to fill in the gaps in my parenting but his version of a firm hand was over the top for me.

I tried to go into my office this morning. Thought if I could be productive maybe I would gain a better perspective and cut the drama. But I couldn't focus on work and I confused a client by mixing her up with someone else so now I am back in my hole trying to wish the day away.

Maybe go out in the garden for a while. Clean up another bed and maybe that will help restore some balance in my head.

I appreciate you guys putting up with me. I know it helps me to put words to my thoughts and feelings. It helps to get it out of my head. I fight with myself about posting. A part of me just wants to fade into the pit and detach from everything but this other part of me pushes to come here and spit it out and stay engaged instead.

Perhaps I need to accept what is and think about now what? Now he will have to put in extra time doing extra homework. Now he will have to make up for the classes missed today just like he did to make up for missing Friday. God forbid he stretches this out another day. One day at a time I guess. I just need to keep talking myself out of the holes I fall into. One hole at a time.