So, I saw T today.

We sort of ended last week with T telling me that I am deserving of love. He left me a voice mail for the weekend and he said that I am deserving of love, and that he wanted me to try believing that just 10% of the time over the weekend.

Today I went in there and pulled out THE darkest, most horrible thing from my past. The thing that sends me into a tailspin every October. The thing that we have never really talked about, ever. The thing that PROVES that I'm not deserving of love. I didn't even go in there planning to talk about it. I went in and felt quiet and sleepy and a little shut down, and I asked him if we could draw. I started drawing and one thing led to another and all of a sudden we were talking about it

I realized when I got home that it must have come up because I had to PROVE to T that I don't deserve love. Of course T was all "it wasn't your fault, blah, blah, blah". T is so nice

I feel horrible now. But I realized on the way home that I shouldn't hate that 8 year old Tree so much. So I put on my pajamas so we could be warm and I am trying to be gentle with her. I think I do feel sad for her. No matter what she did, it really really hurt, and that sucks for her, you know?

I feel like crap. I hope so much that this is somehow part of the healing because it feels horrible. Suicide crossed my mind sitting in T's office, but that doesn't make any sense. I'm just going to try to take care of the 8 year old me and hope that I don't feel this horrible forever

ETA: It almost felt like self-abuse to tell T. I wish I could have it back. Ugh.

ETA (again): T did give me the biggest, tightest hug before I left. I felt so small and his arms wrapped ALL the way around me and he sort of rested his chin on top of my head. I was completely safe and protected for a minute. And I guess it was his way of saying "you're not yucky or gross, I don't hate you, it will be okay". I had forgotten about that. Ugh. So hard, so hard, so hard.