Tree, have you ever seen Green Mile? I'm just imagining your T, taking the hurt from you, breathing it in, and breathing it out so you can be free of these things that hurt so much. It might feel like self-abuse to tell your T about this, but look how T reacted -- he loves you anyway -- he's taking that abuse and all the yuck and all the awfulness, and he is saying, I will hold it too, I will help you transform the awfulness, I will help you heal this hurt. So this may feel like self-abuse, but it is really your way of moving even closer to healing.