Well, my father was gone for three days. I thought he might have died. But he came back for a few minutes earlier and said he'd come back. I hope not. I was feeling quite depressed afterward, after I calmed down from the extreme anger and anxiety of all this, but I was feeling a lot better for a while, only for the relief that my father was gone. I'm going through all these feelings again that I could never deal with before and still don't want to. I feel shameful. I feel like something that has been used and is no longer needed or wanted. Like a piece of garbage. I don't understand how my husband could want me, after this disgusting horrific thing happened to my body. I think I have been "retraumatized", because I feel all these terrible feeling again that I have ignored. I was just looking at this book (The Right to Innocence by Beverly Engel) that said to use a flashback as a good thing. This book says to view a flashback "as a positive indication that you are now ready and willing to remember". I'm not sure if I want to. I want to "heal". But I really don't think I should remember these things now. Even if I keep having these flashbacks. It'll make things worse when my father is here. But it is really two and a half weeks until I have my interview with public housing. I hope something will come of that soon.