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had another episode of weirdness tonight, feeling like such a failure at life I went to my room and decided to lay down (hey, it's what I normally do in these situations) just staring at the wall, it was newly painted white, I thought to myself, that maybe I can draw on the walls and fill up the blank space... at first I wanted to use crayons but I knew that'd be hard to wash off, and I thought as long as it will wash of maybe i could draw on them. I thought about my washable markers, those bright colors, and wondered what I'd write about. Immediately I knew I wanted the subject to be sex. I kept wanting to reach out and touch the walls, as though trying to grab at them in some way... it's hard to describe, but I had the feeling I did that before when I was a kid and in what I'm assuming is an equally unbalanced state. I looked over to a chair in the corner of my room, I really wanted to hide behind it... but I never did. I wasn't entirely against the idea so I'm not sure why I didn't but I guess I wanted to see how far this little rabbit hole goes and thus didn't want to break the weird trance like state that when I had almost the same thing earlier it actually led to a legitimate flashback (and then not to long after, maybe a few weeks but it's hard to tell because having no real schedule doesn't help my already lacking sense of time... was followed by another one). anyways, when thinking about it... the little me refers to the abuser as daddy but I know it wasn't him, for several reasons really, so I guess that's just a nickname. This state didn't last that long though because my mom knocked on my door and that startled the crap out of me and after telling me she found what she was looking for (a completely unrelated story) she asked me if I was ok, I told her I was (and it wasn't really a lie either because being startled like that is an effective way of grounding for me) after she left even though I was pretty much in a normal state of mind at that point I did take a note to self looking around my room of all of the different hiding spots in my room. I tried really hard not to fall asleep but I did. After I woke up I ate a lot and now I'm not feeling well, I'm not sure if it's related to the "slept to much" feeling or the "I ate too many carbs and my blood sugar and insulin levels are probably wonky" feeling or if it's the "I'm messed in the head" feeling or all of the above.
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