I dunno, from time to time it comes up, how afraid I was as a child, the world was just scary, besides the traumatic things that happened, I was primed to be afraid from day 1.

Its like this part of me has been opened and It wont stop. I said to T yesterday half way through the session that I felt as if I've put a giant concrete boulder on her lap and shes sitting there going "eeekkkk" but not letting me know that.

T said why do I have to feel as if I must be putting the boulder on anyone, why cant I just put it on the floor and then me and her can walk round it and look at it.

I was trying to convey I think the impossibleness of the total disregard my adoptive mother had for my fears. I said I know kids run in complaining about things, but I have not 1 example of her ever having done anything about any of my fears.

I said I can remember aged about 6 consiously deciding to tell a lie to my mother to see her reaction, I am left handed and remember telling her the sch was making me right with my right hand, which they weren't and I remember she got a bit annoyed about that but that was it, well actually thank gawd coz if she had gone up the sch LOL, but T said, but she didnt and if she had perhaps the sch would have been aware something was not right.

I broke down once in session yesterday when I said I feel ashamed of the fear I always felt, how I hate that small girl, she haunts me with memories of her fears. As I was speaking these words though, it was like alongside them came some realisations that she was only a small child then, and its like I was healing and comforting myself as I cried and talked about "her" fears.

T said something about how there is a very strong side to me as well and how I keep the 2 parts very seperate, the very afraid small child and the quite strong person.

I came away feeling partly ashamed for having what I felt "whine" all the way through session, and partly felt as if T had not listened to me, but when I sat with that thought, I could see it wasn't true, how I am putting T in the role of my adoptive mother, that T did a lot more than just there yesterday, she actively listened and I think its that that I find hard to understand, I often times feel that T should do something more, be more pro-active, but yesterday for the first time, I realised these are feelings I felt with my adoptive mother, how if I was scared she wasn''t able to offer me any support and would infact withdraw into her self and almost laugh at me so as to avoid her own reactions to my fears, its this that I feel so strong at times when I'm with T and mistake her active listening and wanting to help explore things as indifference. I am shocked at how strong that is in my psyche.

But most of all, out of all the things that I have discussed in therapy, this little girl going to mummy because shes afraid is the least thing I wish to talk about, if I felt therapy would be like that from now on in, I swear I would walk, thats how strongly I feel about that little girls whining, her desperate need to be made safe, protected. I guess its because I am admitting to something, and I'm so afraid it will be rejected again.