I was talking the other day with my best friend, she was home for the night gathering artwork for her painting class and we were talking about what I like to call "constants" as in things that never change, or the firm belief and trust in things.

I don't have it, I can't believe in it, the only constant I believe in is my best friend. I am always pariond and plagued with thoughts and sneaky doubts that people are going to abandon me, abuse me, hurt me, etc. etc.

I don't know how to make it stop, it's like this never ending pariona, I'm always looking behind my shoulder, always waiting for the worst of everything, even when looking to the future I expect some disaster, or the worst outcome imaginable (and if you have my imagination things can get a bit gruesome) , it's like I just can't believe that good things do happen, and that they can happen to me

It's like this defense mechanism "If I don't let myself get happy, if I don't let myself get excited over this, then I can't be disappointed and hurt when it goes wrong because I was expecting it the whole time""

I don't want to live my life like that, it's very draining, this constant throwing up of walls, and always expecting the worst, always planning for an attack, looking for an exit route, always on guard and alert...I want to look foreword to things, I want to trust, and be able to interact with people without the whispering pariona and suspicions playing in the background of my mind.

I would like to be able to not in my mind play out the "worst case scenario" and how I would deal with that, or escape from it, or sit down somewhere like a restaurant and feel the need to make note of all the exit signs and escape exits. I"m always, almost always on high alert, I want it to stop, I want my life back....

and after my "secrets, secrets, secrets" thread, and having torn down that wall of secrecy with one person, I"m feeling like maybe it's time to do a bit more "deconstruction" and I"m starting to see how negatively my "guard dog" mode affects my life, all my life has been about "I have to keep myself safe, if I can keep myself safe then I have survived another day" I wake up almost every morning with that mantra, and I take it to the extreme sometimes, anything that leaves me vulnerable, anything that puts me in the position of emotional pain I run, I run far far away from it, as I said to T the other day "I"m skiddish" , she said I'm MUCH better than I use to be, but I still see myself as this skiddish puppy dog cowering in the corner and I'll bolt if you get too close....