I am bored and frustrated with myself. I want to be "normal" but I don't want to give up maladaptive ways. I am "vacationing" in a hotel tonight, very fancy and *really cheap*, I might add. There are fireworks going outside my window, I suppose for Labor Day? I feel like doing something tonight. I've already been drinking, but that is wearing off. I took a few laxies earlier and those are starting to kick in. I just feel like pulling out a blade because I can and that I am bored and frustrated with myself. I'm not sure that I will. I want to feel something. I want to feel something different. What is it that I want to feel?