I think I have figured out why, for me at least, admitting feeling vulnerable and unsuccessful has been so difficult for me: they were things my mother hated. She hated for us to show neediness. She said things such as "I despise you when you whine". I can remember the spitting emphasis she put on the word "despise". So it is no wonder that even to be mindful of such tendencies now in my life is difficult; just thinking of them, trying to admit them and consider them objectively is hard because they were so dangerous then that I could not afford to even be aware that the feelings were there.