dentist apnt today @_@ called T before hand for support - left a message. Was dissociating quite a bit early on a couple of hours before I left, and when I left T a message, I started crying.

I think all this is because I have been doing healing work - I never used to get upset *before* the dentist (just during) until now. I took T's crystal with me that is on loan to me through this whole month of adjustment with GP and pnp and moving and T time change... and and and...!!!!

So, all in all teeth-wise things are fine. Pain-wise (i am an admitted wimp) I had to have all kinds of numbing gel then novicane gel - then she even pulled out the big gun shot to get to the root @_@ I think this also sent the anxiety sky-high. I'm a pretty bad patient. All this just for a cleaning. *sigh* But i've not seen a dentist in 2 years, and in that time I've gained back some body awareness, so I guess it makes sense (and T said I hadn't been making process). Anxiety-wise, i took extra meds (like I am allowed) and some advil, and still had to conscienclly (sp) breathe and work on relaxing the rigid body that was in the chair (that was lacking that life spark called "being" during that time).

The dentis himself (why are they always male dentists and female dental hygenists???) was Santa Claus incarnate in every way. Made me REALLY extra nervous, especially by patting my head, talking to me like I was 5, patting my shoulder and tapping it, squeezing my arm.... It really took all my mental energies to not slug him - mind I couldn't find my voice to say please don't touch me (why is that????) I sort of knew that that was what I should do, and I know T would have wanted me to- but I just couldn't. I know I left my body more during that and was trying to convince myself, if the hygenist tried to leave to ask her to stay with me as I was starting to have a panic attack. It said right on their form that I have anxiety, am a psych patient and am on 3 meds....

When the dentist took the tools and started to look at my teeth, I noticed his hands shaking, and felt the tool rattle some against my tooth - this sure did not help inspire confidence. Someone needs to tell him he should have retired about 10 years ago... with the pain I was having, there was some talk of a possible cavity and I had decided right then that between my panic and his shaking hands I was NOT going to allow any drilling or fillings!!!! I was working on remembering (and practicing) saying THIS IS MY CHOICE, I CAN SAY NO.

T really should be proud of me; i reached out, i did my breathing excercises, I took the crystal (good thing it is already a crystal - if it had been coal, with the pressure i was squeezing it with, it would have formed into a crystal in those 2.5 hours!!!), only one tear escaped with that big shot, i even asked to go to the bathroom at one point before she brought the dr back in (this is a first for me EVER!!!) and during that time, tried to take a breather.... oh and when ever she stopped work, I asked the body to relax again and again. I figured demanding the entire body was a bit too much for the circumstances, so i tried for my back (which was arched) then later the shoulders, next time the toes.... And I was prepared to ask the asst to stay with me, and to say no to any drilling or fillings. When I finally got out of there, I sat until I was grounded before driving, called a support person (and left a message) then had some chocolate I brought with me for the occasion (good for grounding), and even got myself a coffee later as reward.

But I still could really use some online hugs and support Oh and they had me fill out a "rate this service" form (weird!) and on it I said that it would be really helpful if the dentist didn't touch/tap arms and head. It really kinda hurt too - he is really lucky i didn't swap alters and slug him. I felt one come in just behind the eyes - where the eyes spark (people have told me this before) and know that feeling well. He doesn't know how close.... lol And i wonder if T should know this too - while she is dismantling my DID system, I need to wear a "Beware of wolf" sign, since the control commands are losing their power to direct who gets to act when....

Wo i am in pain - between the mouth and the muscle tightness... more advil and some rest, I think. Sorry for the long post - but thanks for reading.
Kiya