Quote:
Originally Posted by sw628
The emptiness for me has always been the yearning for a mother's connection and touch. I've been so deprived of that for so long, that even when i get a little bit of it, it's overwhelming and not enough at the same time. I told T one of my deepest longings last night and it was nice that she wants so much to be that person for me,but sh'es just T. She just kept saying that she wishes she could go back in time and give young me what i so desperately needed. My question is why can't 24 yr old me deserve the same love and nurturing as 8 yr old me? Why do we always have to be a child?  |
(((((((((((sw628))))))))))))) I think this is the emptiness for me too. I never had the chance to feel safe, loved, cared for, nurtured, important, worth something....and I still have this big, giant hole inside because of that. The fact that T can fill it up a little bit makes me realize how big it actually is. It was almost easier when I didn't recognize that it was there.
24 year old you DOES deserve the same love and nurturing as 8 year old you. I think the problem is we just can't go back and BE 8 again...so T can nurture the 24 year old, but will never be able to go back and do it all over again with you. That was one of the saddest moments of therapy for me - realizing that no matter how much he wants to, and no matter how much I want him to, T can never go back and take care of that child me. Ugh.
I'm slowly starting to see that there are ways that *I* can nurture that young me, and that does help fill the gap between T sessions. The thought of me nurturing myself used to make me VERY angry. It doesn't feel fair. But I think somehow, being nurtured by T is showing me ways I can nurture myself. It helps, a little.
BIG hugs to you...this stuff is really painful.
