Loveregardless,

Thank you so much for responding. It helps so much to know that somebody else "gets" what i'm talking about, and that they experience it too. I'm sorry that you have to struggle with it too, though. It's so hard.

I think i get so reactive/upset when my t pushes me too hard to do something i can't do or am not ready for, because as a child at home, i never felt like i was doing enough, or was good enough, to be accepted. I felt like a disappointment who never measured up.

Then, a few years ago, when i went into a serious clinical depression, two of my friends didn't understand that i couldn't just snap out of it. One of them even told me to "stop wallowing in self-pity." It was like a stab in the heart. There I was, struggling just to get from day to day, and the two people I was closest to in the world (besides my husband) didn't understand. It made me feel very down on myself, like a bad or weak person.

So now. . .any time my t pushes too hard and i feel i can't do what she wants me to, or that i need to, i get those surges of not being good enough. . .the same kind of self-criticisms that go through your head.

Things like,

. . .I should be able to do more/do better.

. . . I should be farther along by now.

. . .I shouldn't need so much help.

. . .I'm a therapy failure.

And on and on.

My t is great; she really is. But sometimes i get frustrated because both she and my husband seem to expect more out of me than i can do. My husband even said recently, "You've done enough reading about therapy and your issues. You probably know as much about it as your t does." I interpreted his statement to mean: I should know how to fix my problem and just do it and get on with my life. He has also said in the past that instead of trying really hard to get past my issues, i just want a "poor baby; poor baby" from my t. That is so not true!

I know i am trying as hard as i can already. Why can't the people who know me see this???

I consider myself high-functioning because i am able to work full-time and hold it together most of the time, while hiding my problems. But sometimes i think it works against those of us who are high functioning to be able to wear that mask that says "I'm totally fine and OK." Because when we DO get triggered or crash, the people who know us say things like, "You could pull yourself out of this if you wanted to. I've seen you function better than this."