Loveregardless,

Thank you so much for responding. It helps so much to know that somebody else "gets" what i'm talking about, and that they experience it too. I'm sorry that you have to struggle with it too, though. It's so hard.

I think i get so reactive/upset when my t pushes me too hard to do something i can't do or am not ready for, because as a child at home, i never felt like i was doing enough, or was good enough, to be accepted. I felt like a disappointment who never measured up.

Oh boy, do I hear ya!!! My parents had me at 17 and 18. I've known my entire life that if it hadn't been for me that they never would have gotten married and subsequently they never would have been so miserable for 17 years. I have always known that my father wanted my mother to abort me and that my mother wasn't happy about me coming along. That's a heavy load to carry as a kid. With my dad, a B was never acceptable, it was always, "I know you can do better". I was always pushed into things academically, which left me depressed and disappointed in myself when it wasn't making me "happy" and I "let everyone down" by becoming less and less "high functioning" as the years went on. I never made it through college. I haven't been able to work full time in years. And I haven't worked at all in 2.

Then, a few years ago, when i went into a serious clinical depression, two of my friends didn't understand that i couldn't just snap out of it. One of them even told me to "stop wallowing in self-pity." It was like a stab in the heart. There I was, struggling just to get from day to day, and the two people I was closest to in the world (besides my husband) didn't understand. It made me feel very down on myself, like a bad or weak person.

Yup. The genius of the outside perspective.

So now. . .any time my t pushes too hard and i feel i can't do what she wants me to, or that i need to, i get those surges of not being good enough. . .the same kind of self-criticisms that go through your head.

Things like,

. . .I should be able to do more/do better.

. . . I should be farther along by now.

. . .I shouldn't need so much help.

. . .I'm a therapy failure.

And on and on.

One of my alters has the hardest time with this, George, I think she was created around 16 or 17 when my mom left. She constantly feels like she is going to disappoint everyone, and has a hard time even trying to do something because she is so easily discouraged and it just breaks her heart (and mine/for her) when things don't go like she wanted, usually for the sake of everyone else.

My t is great; she really is. But sometimes i get frustrated because both she and my husband seem to expect more out of me than i can do. My husband even said recently, "You've done enough reading about therapy and your issues. You probably know as much about it as your t does." I interpreted his statement to mean: I should know how to fix my problem and just do it and get on with my life. He has also said in the past that instead of trying really hard to get past my issues, i just want a "poor baby; poor baby" from my t. That is so not true!

hahaha. Are you me by chance? GET OUT OF MY HEAD!! lol. I am a research maniac. I haven't had a T since I was 15, and only two brief stints with less than competent drug wielding psychs since. I've made the study of myself, psychologically, biologically, metaphysically, etc. my #1 goal since I was about 18. It's my full time job. I spend every waking hour working on myself. And I do a DAMN good job. I KNOW a lot of stuff about a lot of stuff (boy that sounds intelligent, lol), but knowing doesn't make it easy. I've said many times before, if it weren't for how HARD I work at this, you just have no IDEA. Poor baby my ***.

I know i am trying as hard as i can already. Why can't the people who know me see this???

Something that I learned a long time ago is that tooting ones own horn is, in my case, a necessary part of my healing and self confidence. I'm done waiting for other people to see how hard I try. If they don't, or can't, or whatever, then too bad for them, because I'm working my *** off over here and I'm AWESOME. I try to give myself major kudos, in front of others if need be, so that no one is in doubt of the effort I am putting in. So, toot that horn peaches. Toot the crap out of that damn horn because you are doing it!! And if others can't see that, then it's because they are too consumed in their own stuff (which is ok, it happens, it's that human thing they all seem to be afflicted with, lol) then it's not going to keep ME from KNOWING it anymore.

I consider myself high-functioning because i am able to work full-time and hold it together most of the time, while hiding my problems. But sometimes i think it works against those of us who are high functioning to be able to wear that mask that says "I'm totally fine and OK." Because when we DO get triggered or crash, the people who know us say things like, "You could pull yourself out of this if you wanted to. I've seen you function better than this."