(((((((((((((( fox ))))))))))))))))))

At one point in my life I could see what I called an "evil gnome" living inside the "storage room" that was my mind. I felt like it was doing just what you say that the monster is knowing doing to you. Running around causing harm to everything and everyone else inside the building, and I didn't know how to stop it.

Today in grounding chat crew asked if we felt strong enough to go into a situation where we knew we would be triggered, armed with confidence in our grounding skills. I told him absolutely not, and that I felt like there was a monster that I kept locked inside a dungeon that I did not ever want to let out again.

I have heard the others calling this HIM inside. I do not know if he and the gnome are the same, but I think so, or at least they are connected. I only catch feelings of HIM, as if he can reach me from deep in the dark, and although I know he is there, and a part of me, I fear HIM.

I don't know which is better to be honest. Having HIM running free or locked inside a cage.

Crew said to me tonight that avoiding every situation that could potentially trigger me was not allowing myself to really live, and this hit me pretty hard. Because I agree. But it's the defense mechanism, or self preservation tool that I put into place many years ago, before I even heard about DID or alters and just knew what I saw and heard in my mind. I think that it is this avoidance that locked him deep inside. But I can feel HIM like a pain inside my chest and a tightness in my whole body when I fight to keep him locked away.

I want to let him out so that I can try to understand him. I want to try to love him like I love the littles and the others. I know he needs that, too. I know he has protected me in the past when I needed him to, but I also know that he reminds me of my father, and that brings with it a lot of resentment, fear and negative emotion. And I also know that he has caused me a lot of pain. (or taken it on for me, given me a place to point??)

This little monster is a part of you. And I know you know that. He needs your love and acceptance, but he also needs to know that it is not ok for him to behave this way to the rest of you or others. I worry that HIM will do the same if he ever breaks out again, and I would do the same if someone locked me in a box and never let me out, so I understand how he feels.

Maybe your monster feels the same way?? Maybe it is time for you to integrate this part of yourself and no longer keep him locked away. I don't know. I wish I did.

I send you all my love dear friend.