Okay, so I suffer from depression and it's been bad for a while - how long? 6 months, a year. I'm off meds because I can't afford the doctor's visit or the pills. My husband is supportive most of the time, but it gets to him sometimes. So...I've also been sick the past few days - it's just a cold, but I feel crappy, stopped up, etc. Yesterday my husband took a day off from work to deal with kid issues (not important to this subject), so he was home early. When I got home, he wanted to go out - play a little pool. I told him no, I didn't feel like it. He asked 3 or 4 more times and I told him no and explained that I also didn't think we should spend the money. Money is a HUGE issue in our house. We live paycheck to paycheck to payday loan to paycheck. It's stressful and horrid. So...I went to bed early...I woke up when he came in drunk at 1:00 a.m. He'd gone out, found some people to party with and made the rounds of the local strip clubs. I'm so angry and depressed that I can't see straight. I keep crying. I couldn't go back to sleep last night, so I haven't had very much sleep and I'm still not feeling well from the cold. The thoughts going through my head bounce from suicide to leaving. All sorts of other options pop up in my head. Understand, I'm not mad that he went without me or that he went to strip clubs. I like strip clubs myself and I trust him on that front. But I can't trust him to be responsible and take care of the things that need taking care of - like rent and bills and food. I did tell him that we couldn't afford to go out, but he went anyway - after I was asleep and wouldn't be awake to talk him out of it. I actually feel guilty because if I'd been awake or gone with him, he wouldn't have spent so much money. I don't even know how much he spent yet, but I know him. He meets people he likes, gets to drinking and buys rounds for the whole table. I'm sure he spent at least $100 and we only had $200 to last for the next week, which doesn't go far with gas and kids to feed. So...I feel guilty because if I'd gone with him, he wouldn't have spent as much or gotten as drunk. Yes, he drove home drunk. Considering our finances, this is not really huge....we're always broke anyway. I just feel so hopeless. I can't control him. I can't control my emotions. I can't control the money. It's all spinning out of control and I'm afraid a crash is imminent. Will it be me that crashes? Our marriage? I just don't know, but I'm so sick of fighting to live in this crappy world. Thanks for listening. I actually feel a little better just getting it off my chest.