I have always been against abortion. But in a way that made my insides hurt. I had such strong reactions whenever this came in discussion, that they seemed a little overboard even for me. I just got so fired up… I remember feeling strongly about this even when I was at an age when I didn't really understand the implications of abortion. I didn't even understand what it really meant, but I hated it with all my heart
At a young age I had learned 3 things
1. My mum wanted only two children
2. My mum had an extra uterine pregnancy, after my older sister and before me
3. My mum had 4 or 3 abortions after me, because of the reason listed at no.1

I am a troubled individual, that for now doesn't have access to a professional. So I have to try and figure all this out myself. Reading about post traumatic stress disorder, I kind of saw a pattern that fit my profile. But I couldn't recall any event that could traumatize me at such extent. Sure I had been born almost dead, with the umbilical chord wrapped three times around my neck, but I don't think that qualifies.

A couple nights ago as I tried to escape my usual torment by dreaming about fairies and dragons, this thought refused to be silenced. And it hit me so hard that for the last few days I have been a wreck.
If the no.2 pregnancy had been viable my mum would have aborted me without any sign of remorse.(I have asked her before and she doesn't think that what she did was wrong)
In the back of my head I keep thinking I should just be happy I was lucky enough to be born but I just can't. Instead my brain just repeats over and over again: my mum didn't necessarily want me. If I were pregnancy no.4 or no. 5 she would have killed me…

For the first years of my life I had loved my mum so much that when she was mad at me I wanted to die. And then, out of the blue something happened. I started to actually hate her, and not knowing why. Even now, when our relationship has grown and I have learned to understand her, something remained. I am fairly sure that this is it.

And now that I have made the connection I do not know what to do with this. There is always the chance that my theory isn't correct. And if it isn't what do I do? I couldn't ever talk to her and make her feel this guilt. It's a very big guilt, to realize that you could have killed your child and I don't want to burden her. I do love her enough to want to protect her. On the other hand it's eating me up inside. I wish I could forgive and forget I just don't know how.

Please, I really need advice. I am incapable of doing anything at all. I'm supposed to try and get a job, finish my portfolio, and take care of myself(main concerns for now). And I barely manage to feed myself. I can't bring myself to do anything at all. I've been trying to do the dishes for two days now and I just can't. Thank God I don't live alone or the cockroaches would eat me. My room looks like World War Two. I am at a dead end and I am afraid I can't figure this out on my own. So I need some guidance, some similar stories, anything.

Thank you for reading