Thought I'd update...

Unfortunately this has not gone away, as I'd hoped it would. Instead it's turned into a depression the likes of which I haven't seen since I first started getting the flashbacks in 10th grade. Back then, I became suicidal and had to go to a mental hospital. I'm better at coping now, but it still sucks horribly...

I don't even know what to do right now. I'm terrified of making this worse. Everyone's telling me to talk about it, that it will get better. But...I'm afraid. Very afraid. I've had PTSD for over two years now, but I've never been able to talk about it, not even a little! I have no idea what will happen if/when I start to talk. And, as far as thinking it "wasn't that bad", you'd think that would make me feel better, right?? Why do I feel like s***?! I honestly don't know...I can see how the denial could be a defense mechanism...the only way I can put it is this, which I wrote like an hour ago.

"They say that denying it is a form of self-protection. That it hurts less to say it didn't happen or that it wasn't that bad than to admit it, and accept the pain. It's a very confusing thing, this denial; on the one hand I believe the voice of denial which says it wasn't as bad as it seems, other people have been through worse; on the other hand, the part of my brain that reasons and thinks rationally says that this denial almost affirms once again that I am a victim and survivor, which completely negates the denial. Welcome to the clusterf*ck that is my mind."

This being said, I don't feel like a survivor...not at all.