So sorry you are hurting. You need someone to talk to about this. If not your mom do you have an aunt or grandparent you can talk to? You are trying to figure out a lot on your own and it is no surprise you are feeling the effects of overload right now. Meanwhile take a break from thinking for a while. For me that would me a quiet day in nature. Long walk in the forest and meditative time at the river just thinking about what is positive in my life. Affirming my ability to overcome anything and trusting that in time my questions will be answered. You are feeling a lot of pressure and you need to find a way to unload some of it. Talk to someone and do something nice for yourself.