I'm sorry you're struggling and suffering. I understand why this is important to sort out. I agree with Sanity Seeker - for now put this on hold and take care of yourself. I'm not saying don't deal with it, but you can't deal with it when you're weak. You should discuss this with a therapist. In the meantime I want you to think about this - God granted you your life - yes your mother played a role - but you are meant to be here. Lets pretend that a baby is born to a mother who vehemently doesn't want the baby - that baby deserves to live regardless. Ultimately you can't dwell on 'what ifs'. I do agree though, it is upsetting to discover.