Just a second as a don my armchair therapist hat. I think you realize that this issue is not about abortion per se, but that you think that your mother didn't want you, probably with a whole lot of guilt that you were "selected" to be born thown in, and probably a whole lot more. These things can get internalized very very quickly can't they?

Why Why can't parent's think before they say something....

In a perfect sort of -well there you have it, get on with it - world, I think fool_zeros thoughts are correct. For whatever reason, you're here and that's an overwhelmingly good thing. It's a gift of life for you to use.

But things do get murky, upsetting, and we can very easily end up carrying things that aren't ours to carry. It's just not that easy to shrug them off. Sometimes it takes help and a lot of work.

I would highly recommend that you seek treatment from a therapist/counselor/professional to work through this. It might help you to be free from some of this and help it to be a good life, this one that you have.