Tatyana,

I was furious. I'm still angry about it, which is why I've been awake since 3:30 a.m. for the second night in a row. I'm also hurt. I feel betrayed. Also, I really meant it when I said the strip club didn't bother me because I was a stripper once (long story - one night deal) - BUT then he told me he got a lap dance and now I'm actually a little jealous. Odd, because I know how very little a lap dance actually means.

So in the end, of course I'm angry. Where did the anger go when I talked to him about it? It went to guilt...twist, twist, twist. Did I twist it or did he? Probably both of us - very unhealthy pattern we have been perpetuating for 20 years. The wonder of it is that when it comes to this type of argument, he tells me that I should leave him because he doesn't make me happy and he can't stand to see me miserable and I would probably be happier if I only had myself to worry about. All of which makes me feel horribly guilty, selfish, and desperate to hold on to my marriage.

I am a child of divorce. I don't want to perpetuate that ugly cycle for my kids, and I do love the man, and I have been with him for most of my adult life. My last therapist (10 years ago) told me that I have trouble distinguishing reality - what's real and what's my projection of what's real...sounds like I'm having that problem again. I don't trust my own reactions, thoughts, or emotions. What if I AM being selfish? It's really difficult to set boundaries when you aren't sure if the boundaries are realistic or some "pie in the sky" that could never really happen.

Further, there are the kids to consider. My daughter is 18 and needs our support to get a good start in life. I don't want her to struggle the way I have with student loans and other financial woes. She's a bright, wonderful girl, who helps take care of her brother and very unfortunately, feels that she also must watch out for her mom and dad. If I send her out into the world unprepared, then ... what? I'll feel like I failed her as a mother. Actually, I already feel that way a lot of the time.

My son is a totally different matter. He's 10 and has problems of his own. He has been in trouble at school since pre-kindergarten. He craves attention (no, he probably doesn't get enough at home). He argues constantly. He doesn't listen and asks the same question over and over - my husband says he is trying to bully us into getting his way. I've been asked to get him tested for ADHD, but he really doesn't fit the criteria. I wouldn't be surprised that he has a chemical imbalance, like mine. He causes quite a lot of stress in our household - with me switching from anger at him to protecting him from my husband's anger at him. It's a big, fun party at my house.

I don't know why I mother my husband. We married young and fell into a pattern. He didn't know about checking accounts, bills, etc. when we married. He had a mother who babied him and I just kind of took over. I drew the line at making smily face breakfasts and tucking a blankie around him while he at. Like you said - boundaries....if that were the only issue, then maybe I could find a way to deal with it. As it is, I sit and spin and worry and question myself.