Thank you all for your kind responses,

I am consdiering taking this thread to T, and I've been reflecting on this the past few days, and how good it felt to tear down that wall with my best friend.

I've let my hyperviglince and pariona control me my whole life, I've let it destroy my relationship almost, and I've let it keep me away from people that care very much about me.

It's in this past year and a half I've been slowly learning to trust, to let that scared little girl and her guard dog step down and be set free, for years I let the truama I endured as a child keep me from bonding with my parents (there are seperate issues there, but that is another story all together) I've let PTSD control me a lot of my life, how long I've had it is unclear, I wasn't "offically" diagnoised with it till I was 15 after a traumatic car accident, but sometimes I wonder if I've lived with it my whole life...

I get angry sometimes, at myself, at what happend to me as a child, and that anger grows and consumes me, I fall into guard dog mode, to waiting for the world to end, a lot of my life has been focused on the negatives, or putting myself down...

I don't want to live like that, and I won't, it's hard, it's big and scarey, my mind is trained to believe I will be hurt, and yes there will be hurt in my life, but I wil grow with it, learn from it, it won't be the end of my world unless I allow it to be.

I am so greatful for PC, I feel it has been a huge tool in my learning, in my growing, from the support, to the people, to the amazing friends I have made here.

Slowly but surely I am finding my wings, a little more each day, and who knows maybe I'll learn to try and fly sometimes soon..and see that big open sky as blue and clear instead of full of storm clouds.. it's already looking a bit sunnier