Crying is healing and will help you through the grief. If you let yourself cry, you may cry for a while - as long as you need to - but it won't be forever. When you have cried enough, you will stop.

Grief is hard to go through. It hurts. Especially since you aren't able to go home and be with your family, it might be helpful if you can go to some grief counseling or find a support group. The differences between grief and depression are subtle. Mostly, the difference is that grief begins to heal when it is time, and then you will be able to go back to everything that is part of living your life. How much time is not really a set amount, and grieving can come and go for several months. If you have difficulty returning to your normal life activities, it might mean you need to get some treatment for depression. I don't mean right now - but after a while, when you feel it is time to get back to things, if something is getting in the way from doing that. You have a lot of negative thoughts about yourself. Would you be willing to try to let go of judging yourself? I suspect that your grandfather would encourage you instead. What would he say to you?

I am sorry for your loss and your pain. Be good to yourself, and take care.