Hi, I just posted in your other thread. About this:

I was furious. I'm still angry about it, which is why I've been awake since 3:30 a.m. for the second night in a row. I'm also hurt. I feel betrayed.
So you are hurt and angry and then you are awake from 3:30 (like I said in the other post - my bf does the same!) - why turning these feelings towards yourself? It seems to me that you feel these feelings and not able to process them in a healthy way. You hurt yourself as your thought processes goes on and on obsessively. You feel and then instead of internally trusting your own sense of self and process these feelings, you obsess over it. It seems to me that you need to learn a healthy way to deal with your emotions and balance your thoughts. You also need to work on a stronger and more stable sense of self (which links to what you said about 'distorted reality' etc). It is quite possible, and healthy, to be upset, angry and hurt - to feel these feelings, let them out healthily (cry, shout in a frield, hit the pillow, have a bath to self soothe, clean the house, hug the kids, etc) and relax, sleep and take care of yourself. Maybe you need to look at codependency issues too.

Also, I really meant it when I said the strip club didn't bother me because I was a stripper once (long story - one night deal) - BUT then he told me he got a lap dance and now I'm actually a little jealous. Odd, because I know how very little a lap dance actually means.
When we are jealous it is normally a sign that something we care about is under threat. That we need to to protect that something otherwise we will loose it. I can see why his behaviour makes you feel this way. But you need to find a positive and effective way to correspond to him what is it that you want and need and how his behaviour affects you.

So in the end, of course I'm angry. Where did the anger go when I talked to him about it? It went to guilt...twist, twist, twist. Did I twist it or did he? Probably both of us - very unhealthy pattern we have been perpetuating for 20 years. The wonder of it is that when it comes to this type of argument, he tells me that I should leave him because he doesn't make me happy and he can't stand to see me miserable and I would probably be happier if I only had myself to worry about. All of which makes me feel horribly guilty, selfish, and desperate to hold on to my marriage.
The good thing is that you identify the interaction (unhealthy) and your thought process as well as your emotions. Maybe read a bit games people play - sounds to me like you move from the persecutor to the rescuer. And he moves from the naught boy to the victim. Its not leading any where. Your needs are not met and you remain frustrated and your emotions remain inside. A good start is to stop taking responsibility for his actions. Say nothing. He would remain with his guilt (good) and you will remain maybe upset but then you are upset and with good reason... Remember that this way (now) you are the one constantly saving your marriage where as he takes responsibility away from him. This sort of interaction over a long period of time will cause you to feel depressed and your self worth will be lower. So I hope you can stop this kind of interaction and get your emotional intelligence and resourcefullness.

I am a child of divorce. I don't want to perpetuate that ugly cycle for my kids, and I do love the man, and I have been with him for most of my adult life. My last therapist (10 years ago) told me that I have trouble distinguishing reality - what's real and what's my projection of what's real...sounds like I'm having that problem again. I don't trust my own reactions, thoughts, or emotions. What if I AM being selfish? It's really difficult to set boundaries when you aren't sure if the boundaries are realistic or some "pie in the sky" that could never really happen.
I can really understand that. I think that if you manage to seperate your emotions from him and stop the game it will also help with your self perception. You need to make steps to build your self.
Of course you do not want your kids to go through life with the burdon of divorce. My mother was a kid from divorced family and she did everything to prevent that from happening to her family. My bf has two kids from his ex wife and they have suffered (although they wont admit it) a great deal from their parents lack of skills to have a healthy relationship - when they were together and also now when they are divorced. So - I would set my focus on strengething your communication skills, and your problem solving skills. Your kids wont benefit from staying in an unhealthy family just as much as they will hurt from a divorce, if not more. They need a strong mum. Especially your son. So please start by doing some work yourself. Once you feel better in yourself you will be able to set clear boundaries.

Further, there are the kids to consider. My daughter is 18 and needs our support to get a good start in life. I don't want her to struggle the way I have with student loans and other financial woes. She's a bright, wonderful girl, who helps take care of her brother and very unfortunately, feels that she also must watch out for her mom and dad. If I send her out into the world unprepared, then ... what? I'll feel like I failed her as a mother. Actually, I already feel that way a lot of the time.

I am sorry you feel a lot of the time that you fail as a mum. I know you are doing your best! And I am sure your daughter can see how devoted you are. Please stop being so hard on yourself. By doing this you take a way good energy from yourself. Why are you punishing yourself this way? Kids need parents to support and love them. I am sure you are there for them. Some times just telling someone you love them makes the whole day feel different.

My son is a totally different matter. He's 10 and has problems of his own. He has been in trouble at school since pre-kindergarten. He craves attention (no, he probably doesn't get enough at home).

This is an important admittion. Boys need mum's attention and dad's attention too. Make sure you do fun stuff together. And hug him!! He may feel uncomfortable at first but believe me he needs it.

He argues constantly. He doesn't listen and asks the same question over and over - my husband says he is trying to bully us into getting his way. I've been asked to get him tested for ADHD, but he really doesn't fit the criteria. I wouldn't be surprised that he has a chemical imbalance, like mine. He causes quite a lot of stress in our household - with me switching from anger at him to protecting him from my husband's anger at him. It's a big, fun party at my house.

I am sorry. Its hard when you have a kid that shows this kind of behaviour. But he is a good kid. right?! He is not a devil. He is a kid that is trying to show you that he is in distress and that he needs something he is not getting. Talk to him, quietly, nicely. Try to show a united front with his dad and plan together with your husband a different way of dealing with the boy. If he is pushing the limits and being angry, encourage him to take time off and then talk about how he feels and what led him to feel this way. Hug when he does share. Try not to criticise him - it would only lead the other way. Look at the amount of suffering his mother is experiencing. He feel you. He knows the mum he needs is in distress so of course he is angry. He may be ADHD and there are different categories - it is worth getting the check done if only to know that this is not the issue. Either way -he needs you to be strong and to set clear boundaries. I know you can do it. You are a bright and loving person. You stepped away from so much abuse in your past. You can do it and be there for your kids!

I don't know why I mother my husband. We married young and fell into a pattern. He didn't know about checking accounts, bills, etc. when we married. He had a mother who babied him and I just kind of took over. I drew the line at making smily face breakfasts and tucking a blankie around him while he at. Like you said - boundaries....if that were the only issue, then maybe I could find a way to deal with it. As it is, I sit and spin and worry and question myself.

It goes back to what I wrote above. After 20 years its hard to change a rooted behaviour and interaction but step by step you can. And we are here to support you and offer advice. As you get stronger you will be able to set clear boundaries. Its hard to do this alone. Speak to a T who may be able to see you on a reduced rate or make some arrangement. Maybe the dr can recomment someone. Let me know how it goes. Warmest hugs and thoughtxxxx

P.S. I hope I did not overwhelm you with this. There is quite a lot of do this do that in my post - but I was touched by your posting and I can feel how you gasp for help almost like gasping for air. So I hope beyond the 'do this do that' you will be able to find some air and encouragement.