I can't beleive it, I did SI and I want to SI more. I thought I was strong enough to stop but some how, that didn't happen. Hill just got in the control seat, and took control. I know it sounds weird but, it does happen. I just don't know who long I can take all of this. I tried to not SI but, It did happen. And now, I want to do it another way, just not cut.... but, I want to hurt, I want things to go dull, I want things to get better, I don't want all of this. I hate having to keep posting here. I hate the feelings I have. I hate HILL! I can't deal with all of this... I just.... want it to end.... end the suffering.... let the healing begin..... but how.... how can I tell those that can help... How???

How much longer can I deal with this? How much longer will it take to....? Can't even say it. All I want to do is go from Cold to HOT until it starts to burn... I want to heel the temp change, I want to stop Hill from doing it. Hill wants to SI more than anything. What can I do now?? How much can i handle?