I always believed i had issues, but nothing serious enough to have to get drugs for. I also do not like the idea of taking drugs to make me act differently.

Anyway though, i get very very nervous when im around a crowd of people i dont know. When i actually have to converse with someone, im sure i sound very strange because ill stumble over words and repeat them because im so nervous- i can speak perfectly normally.

I usually dont like to look at men in the eyes, and women tell me i stare too much sometimes, so i usually just dont like anyone in the eye to make it easier- unless im feeling very confident which is rare.

A lot of bad things have been happening to me lately. My car needs repairs, my relationship with my father and stepmom is one of hatred 50% of the time, complaceny and indifference fill the other half; either way, i am afraid of being near them or when they call on the phone because im afraid of being yelled at.

I dont really have any friends.

Dont have any interested women in my life.

I dont really feel i know who i am

i got a speeding ticket i barely have enough to pay for so that i can buy food and live while at school and manage to not get yelled at by father and stepmom.

I feel like anywhere i go people look at me like im weird or like they dont like me. And the people i do know, im pretty sure dont trust or like me.

Although high school was still bad at times, i had friends i could count on and i had a girl or two that i really loved, now my life is barron and empty and i know this; i keep telling myself it will get better out of college, but i dont see how. they say you are supposed to meet the important people of your life in college. i dont know how i could physically or emotionally bring myself to talk to a stranger anymore, i used to not have a problem with it. then i would challenge myself to talk to new people, and progressively i was too afraid to do it, i even ignored people i knew and would have said hi to.

marijuana is a weird thing in my life, i used to smoke with my "friend" and i would be cool because i had a place to be like i mattered. it seems like people can smoke and be fine after, but after i smoke and sometimes during i can feel myself really start to lose it, like someone took a hi-lighter and started indicating all the negatives in my life. i threw out what i had left today, because i know if i smoke again i will lose it for real.

I sat down today and was about to do something on my computer, when out of no where i just started bawling out my eyes and wailing on and on. I realized how alone i was where i am (i moved after HS 600 miles away to a diff state to live with father and go to college); no friends, no girls (its like i cant bring myself to get emotional with them, im just awkward and strange), i can only stay interested in something for so long until i realize i am doing it alone and i get sad.

All the time i was crying i was thinking about my mom, and i was getting really scared about dying, and basically i just thought about everything my life used to be and any way i could make it so would require doing something im afraid to do.

i met a girl who actually approached me, after a month or so she told me she was a lesbian and i felt like a big fool.

i feel like if i needed help i would have no where to go, and thats why im so petrified by where i am. its like after i moved my life slowly fell off and now im at the bottom.

Letting someone know my personality, is one of the scariest things i could think of.

Sorry for the long post i just had to write down what was in my head.